Recently Donald Trump’s campaign HQ – via their home page – urged the children of America to write in to their future president and ask him both personal and political questions. This in an effort to make him look more ”human” and to provide him with a context that was more fitting to his social capabilities. The letters we’re never made public but Wikileaks have managed to hack some of the material. Here it is.
Deer mr Trump
My dad says your going to blow up the hole world as soon as you get your ”miniskul” hands on the launch codes to that nucular bomb thingy? Just like Peter Sellers in dr Strangelove. Is that true!?
Kara, 8 yrs old, Canton, OH
You’re dad is obviously a liberal nut job (one of many). I’m a business man! Why the hell would I want to blow up the world!? I’m not a psycho. The first thing I’ll do after I win is I’ll install gold faucets in the Oval Office restroom.
Then I’ll go tiger hunting with Putin. Tell your dad that.
Remember ”The Running Man” with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Remember when the heads blew up when the rebels tried to escape from the prison? Maybe you could build that instead of that wall!? Like a long invisible fence that kills people with some kind of radiation? It would probably be a lot cheaper.
Chris, 12 yrs, Madison, WI
Thanks for the tip, but then how would we get the Mexicans to put on those electrical collars?
Dear fascist racist mongoloid bigot misogynist Mexican-hater
In a way your ”candidature” is really the logical consequence of this loud, vulgar, superficial society with its predilection towards sociopaths and its impossibly short attention span. But I still think the voters deserve better than this. Please reconsider. You unbearable asshole.
Persephone, 8 yrs old, Annapolis, MD
Please Mr Tjump,
Cad I hab a poni?
Ashley, 5 yrs old, Staten Island, NY
Thank you! You’re pinpointing EXACTLY what’s wrong with this once great country: poor people having a sense of entitlement. ”Gimme this, gimme me that, I need milk for my baby, my leg was blown off in Fallujah…”
…that kind of thing.
How about EARNING that pony? How about asking yourself what YOU can do for me and not the other way around? I mean, it’s just a suggestion – don’t get your panties in a twist – but we NEED to build that wall. Seriously folks: the wetbacks… I’m telling you… it’s the only solution.
The final one.
Hello mr Trump!
Sometimes when you talk it is very hard to follow your train of thoughts. Could you please be a little more coherent…?
Alvin, 9 yrs old, Yorba Linda, CA.
I don’t see the problem. I mean, seriously…? People are talking… everywhere…. they talk to me all the time. It’s a done deal.
Look, all I’m saying is: I call things the way I see them, ok? I have a friend – great guy, an entrepreneur, a builder – he told me the other day:
’Listen Donald, Hillary is bad news for the stock market, everybody knows it. I could build roads, towers, dams, roller skating rinks… the money is there. Concrete has never been this cheap. The lime quarries in Canada are booming. It’s a beautiful thing.’
And you know what? I will tell Putin the exact same thing: most Muslims are great, peace-loving people, but the again: are they really? What with the shouting and stoning and burning effigies? I don’t think so, I really, really don’t.
Just a thought.
Dear mr future President,
My pa says you’re a shoo-in after 8 years with a Negro in the White House and now they wanna put a women in there? (possibly a lesbian too)… People ain’t gon’ stand for that kind of behavior.
Asa, 10, French Lick, Indiana
Please don’t put that image in my head, ok? I know it’s what everyone’s thinking because, honestly, Bill looks positively starved these days… I mean he has aged terribly the past 12 months… Who knows by the way; what he would have looked like if HAD she fulfilled her marital obligations?
As for the black thing, let me quote the Beatles:
”Woman is the nigger of the world”
So basically, it would be the same thing.
I know, I know… it SOUNDS horrible – and some of my best friends have friends that are black – but they actually SANG that at some point. Or so I’ve been told.
Look it up if you don’t believe me.
Dear Mr Trump,
Mike Pence? Really? Mike PENCE?? I though Sarah Palin was going to be your running mate!? Mike Pence is a cocksucking butthole. Micke Pence sucks donkey balls. He’s a closet Jew. Seriously, BUTTERS would do a better job as veep. Sarah Palin is a MILF. Sarah Palin rocks. Fuck Mike Pence. Fuck him in the butt with a cucumber.
Eric Cartman, 9 yrs old, Southpark, CO
Dear sweet Eric,
Once I was just like you.